Good girls are just better liars

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Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.


Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.


Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.


Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.


Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.


A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.


A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.


When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it’s called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it’s called an election.


Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal


Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


Beauty is quite different from charm, beauty is what you notice in a woman, charm is when a woman notices you.


We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.